Not had a very good week sleep wise, waking most mornings at 3.30-4 am and struggled to get back to sleep, if managing at all. Which I think has contributed to getting a sore throat, high temp, headache and unbelievable amount of pain and shivering. I woke yesterday morning thinking it was a bad start of the day with my arthritis, but although my arthritis was hurting me, this pain was unbearable and progressively got worse throughout the day. It felt like every move I made, I was being jabbed with broken glass. Dramatic, I know :-) , but that is how I felt. I'm not sure what it is about illness, that makes us regress back to the small inner child that just wants to be held and looked after by our parents ( predominantly mums) or partners, soothingly saying, ' there, there you will be feeling better soon.

I think at the moment that's how I feel about life right now, my relationship with DC and the fact that I am totally unhappy in my job. Just need someone to say, be patient, hold me and say don't worry, it will all settle and turn out OK. Do I sit back and let God / the universe unfurl it's plan for me, or do I become proactive and make changes.

My working skills are largely within the caring sector, having been a paediatric nurse for 25 years and then taking time out to home ed LC. I knew I didn't want to go back in to nursing when the time came to rejoin the work force. So I became a support worker for adults with learning difficulties. Largely it was a rewarding job, but could be unpredictable in a violent way, I could no longer anticipate the next time I would be hit or physically abused by a client, so I left.  That is when I became deputy manager in an Out of School club. I really should be thankful that I have a job, there are many out there that don't and life can be very tough for people on job seekers allowance. Not everyone on job seekers allowance want to bleed the government dry, a lot of people do want to work, there are also those that genuinely, for what ever reason, are just unable to work. It is not for us to sit in judgement for those that are not working.

The fact that I would like a different job is quite plain to see, but having only one skill set makes it very difficult, there are absolutely a ton of jobs in the care sector, but I have the realisation that my physicality stops me, the deterioration of my arthritis is hindering me from maintaining a physical job. As I have realised, it is not that easy to obtain a new set of skills, that would allow me to continue to work, without being in an enormous amount of pain each day.

I need to meditate and remain patient, focused and positive, the right job for me is heading my way. I just need to be able to recognise it when it arrives.